END OF THE YEAR: What did i learned:
Wow, what a terrible year. Mommy died, my uncle died and about three of my friends dealt with cancers/tumour. Such fun! I met a guy and he pulled a tendon, so god knows where we are at, i certainly don't know.
Anyhow, i am a nowheres land, i can tell if i am relief or upset, or if i am happy or sad. it just takles turns.
The main thing is that i have learn.
I have learned that i am nor resposible for no one. I have learned that i am NOT able to look after anyone besides myself and the very close to me if they really need me.
Basically: my mother is dead. my father was never there, so i feel i answer to no one and i control my destiny.
But always with love and respect to my mama.
Weirdly, i downloaded mommys music, and i love it.
I guess we do not fall from trees...
Friday, 7 December 2012
Thursday, 10 May 2012
So my mother is dead. Long live my mother. I feel a million things. I feel nothing, then i do, then nothing.
Where the fuck is she now? I am not christian, am not buddhist and i am not jewish nor muslim. So basically heaven or hell or anything in between is out of the question. I am supposed to be pagan or so-called neopagan. Big deal. isn' it? well yes it is. I really believe on earth (as in the planet Earth). And i choose to call it mother earth , and why not? Who's to tell me i am right? let alone wrong. I just looked around around for ideas, religions, phylosophies etc and found out that i don belong to any of them.
Then i found way back than in a proper dictionary of witchcraft (of all things) i am identifying the most with neopaganism. FUCK ME! Jaayysis Chrisstah! is that what i am? Well it means shit to me but among all the shit i have read so far, that was the one i felt i could identify with (blah blah).
Anyway i am rambling and this is not the rambling (or was it) that i wanted to make.
My thoughts at the moment are about my mother. And i am not happy. Where the fuck is her soul?
I found out that my friend was pregnant after mommy died, so i suggested to my friend to call her baby as my mother. She start singing something about "the circle of life" and we both laugh. But is it too far fetch? At the end of it all, life is a wheel and it turns and it does so, so why not?
I truly believe (without irony) that the energy that animates the human body or animal or plant or any life for that matter does not dissapear, but it does transform. Yes i know corpses and ashes and so do become food for other animals. But that is not what i am talking about. I am talking about the energy that animates us and everything around us, and makes us grow and develope and reproduce and then die and then bring life once more somehow. It's quite fabulous when you think of it.
But basically means the origins of everything that happens on Earth ( don't really need a capital block, but i do nonetheless) really relies on (yes you guess it earth-the planet-).
So if we come from earth and back to earth nothing really dies. NOT really. it all get recycled. And our little planet is very clever at doing this shit. It has been doing it for a long long time..
But what about the energy or the soul? Where is the energy that used to animate my mother's body gone?
Of course i have no more idea than the biggest priest in this planet ( which of course means shit to me). But my guess (and yes i use my dead mother as an example) is that she lives in two ways:
One is obviously in my memory ( and i shall talk about that over-rated tool we humans have), but also in the form of the energy that never left the planet. Because it cannot. That energy that animated my mother has not gone to Jupiter or Pluto or any other planet. Oh no, it remains on Earth, as it was produced by earth. Why the hell should it go to some heavens? It's moronic. And makes no sense.
THE ONE THING NOR RELIGIOUS TYPES NOR SCIENTIST IS THE VERY SIMPLE QUESTION OF WHY?
Why? do we die?
Why do we exist and are borne?
The only answers is because we do. Is a cycle, and we are part of it. NO more no less.
The real question is not why the wheel turns, the real question is why?
Not me not you nor no priest in any shape or form cant tell me why.
So i choose my way. Mommy is not above nor below nor re-incarnated. She is just part of Earth.
Body is gone so who cares? who needs it? not her. but the energy ( or soul, whatever), that animated and make that body happen to function is very possibly animating my friends baby.
My real problem is that i miss my mommy as she was. But i feel solace thinking that she gave that energy to lovely new borne babe.
AMEN (Whatever the fuck that means).
xOOX
Where the fuck is she now? I am not christian, am not buddhist and i am not jewish nor muslim. So basically heaven or hell or anything in between is out of the question. I am supposed to be pagan or so-called neopagan. Big deal. isn' it? well yes it is. I really believe on earth (as in the planet Earth). And i choose to call it mother earth , and why not? Who's to tell me i am right? let alone wrong. I just looked around around for ideas, religions, phylosophies etc and found out that i don belong to any of them.
Then i found way back than in a proper dictionary of witchcraft (of all things) i am identifying the most with neopaganism. FUCK ME! Jaayysis Chrisstah! is that what i am? Well it means shit to me but among all the shit i have read so far, that was the one i felt i could identify with (blah blah).
Anyway i am rambling and this is not the rambling (or was it) that i wanted to make.
My thoughts at the moment are about my mother. And i am not happy. Where the fuck is her soul?
I found out that my friend was pregnant after mommy died, so i suggested to my friend to call her baby as my mother. She start singing something about "the circle of life" and we both laugh. But is it too far fetch? At the end of it all, life is a wheel and it turns and it does so, so why not?
I truly believe (without irony) that the energy that animates the human body or animal or plant or any life for that matter does not dissapear, but it does transform. Yes i know corpses and ashes and so do become food for other animals. But that is not what i am talking about. I am talking about the energy that animates us and everything around us, and makes us grow and develope and reproduce and then die and then bring life once more somehow. It's quite fabulous when you think of it.
But basically means the origins of everything that happens on Earth ( don't really need a capital block, but i do nonetheless) really relies on (yes you guess it earth-the planet-).
So if we come from earth and back to earth nothing really dies. NOT really. it all get recycled. And our little planet is very clever at doing this shit. It has been doing it for a long long time..
But what about the energy or the soul? Where is the energy that used to animate my mother's body gone?
Of course i have no more idea than the biggest priest in this planet ( which of course means shit to me). But my guess (and yes i use my dead mother as an example) is that she lives in two ways:
One is obviously in my memory ( and i shall talk about that over-rated tool we humans have), but also in the form of the energy that never left the planet. Because it cannot. That energy that animated my mother has not gone to Jupiter or Pluto or any other planet. Oh no, it remains on Earth, as it was produced by earth. Why the hell should it go to some heavens? It's moronic. And makes no sense.
THE ONE THING NOR RELIGIOUS TYPES NOR SCIENTIST IS THE VERY SIMPLE QUESTION OF WHY?
Why? do we die?
Why do we exist and are borne?
The only answers is because we do. Is a cycle, and we are part of it. NO more no less.
The real question is not why the wheel turns, the real question is why?
Not me not you nor no priest in any shape or form cant tell me why.
So i choose my way. Mommy is not above nor below nor re-incarnated. She is just part of Earth.
Body is gone so who cares? who needs it? not her. but the energy ( or soul, whatever), that animated and make that body happen to function is very possibly animating my friends baby.
My real problem is that i miss my mommy as she was. But i feel solace thinking that she gave that energy to lovely new borne babe.
AMEN (Whatever the fuck that means).
xOOX
Friday, 16 March 2012
Its 2012! My mother is dying! Im almost 40! Such fun!
Well hey!
In the last few months i lost my house, i moved into a new victorian conversion (smaller, not happy about it), dealt with my insane and frustrated cat, went through a mid-life crisis, just to be told my mother is surely dying in not so uncertain terms. Oh, i forgot. my best friend has breast cancer and has lost the most beautiful blonde hair completely, my other best friend almost lost her ear (and brain) due to an spider tumor (lovely), and my ex-boyfriend and currently friend is sectioned in a mental hospital as he has nowhere else to go nor anyone to turn to either, as the NHS is not really helping.
Happy new year!! I am hysterical. yet nobody knows. Is great. This are my very useful steps do a demented life:
1: Pretend you are Superman. Or Mr Freeze.
2: Drag yourself to your own to concerts, galleries, restaurants (only on day time), cinema (only afternoons with either frankfurters or ice-cream, so you seem to embrace your inner child-acceptable today). The plus side is you are only depending on yourself and not have to look after crazy or drunk "friends".
3:Pretend you have a new, ever so very strict regime and joining/ giving several vices and make sure nobody sees you have change nothing, are you truly are your normally your ever self- just with added de nile- game. ( semantic fault on purpose).
AND FOUR: start dating losers who will never call you again after you slept with them because A): you're not their type; B) you did not have full blown sex since you thought it might be better to wait for date number three (nor to mentions you forgotten what sex was. i know Green And Blacks is rather orgasmic. And C): They thought you're OK but commitment wasn't what i was looking for in the first place since i am on an internet website. Surprising. And me too.
All of it fascinating.
But hey, i headlined this blog-post with my mother dying bit so i guess that we should roll the curtain and talk about the elephant (or blue whale in my case ) in the room.
You see i am a child of a single parent. So sad! Terrible! Where do i get my morals and ethics from, and ever more important, where do i get my man influence from?
Fret not. I didn't have a mother. I had three. As for father figure, i had my brother. As he is eleven years older i guess he qualifies. My older sister is two years older than my brother and thinks the Sun rises at her left side and sets down at her right. If this is not older sibling syndrome i know nothing about psychology ( flash news, i do). And there's the middle of nowhere. My younger sister. She is only 5 years older than me. But by God that's an eternity in terms of growing up. She was a teenager when i was a child. NOT good. Plus she thought she was posh. Bad, bad combination.
OK, to be fair as we are all over 38 we have come to understand each other pretty well. Is called stating your ground as it always been about who is more powerful. My oldest sister had that priviledge till the rest got tired of being flung about like a rag doll. Now is the war of the worlds in a sibling way.
My brother has been castrated due to self -guilt and alcohol abuse ( latest i heard he's teetotal. do i hear angels blowing), my younger sister has been through depression and being bitter about being zero to the left and thus feels she is crap and useless) which is of course bullshit), and my powerhouse of my older sister which is very intelligent yet stuck in the past (that would be the 70's) and ever so stuborn and has got an anger problem. Could be physical (thyroid) or mental (abused).
SO here's whas't next: we need to decide what kind of funeral my mother will have. Should it be small, or darling and massive? Should i have black suits (really? ) or feather boas? Desitions and so and fortth.
I love my family. I have been raised to think that way. To i tolerate them? Sure. Do i agree with them?
Hell no!!. a battle is to ensured, but i would not have it any other way. The fun thing about my immediate family is that they never cease to entertainment me, shock me and give a massive spice of life i would miss if i never had it.
Keep tune for more drama. AX
In the last few months i lost my house, i moved into a new victorian conversion (smaller, not happy about it), dealt with my insane and frustrated cat, went through a mid-life crisis, just to be told my mother is surely dying in not so uncertain terms. Oh, i forgot. my best friend has breast cancer and has lost the most beautiful blonde hair completely, my other best friend almost lost her ear (and brain) due to an spider tumor (lovely), and my ex-boyfriend and currently friend is sectioned in a mental hospital as he has nowhere else to go nor anyone to turn to either, as the NHS is not really helping.
Happy new year!! I am hysterical. yet nobody knows. Is great. This are my very useful steps do a demented life:
1: Pretend you are Superman. Or Mr Freeze.
2: Drag yourself to your own to concerts, galleries, restaurants (only on day time), cinema (only afternoons with either frankfurters or ice-cream, so you seem to embrace your inner child-acceptable today). The plus side is you are only depending on yourself and not have to look after crazy or drunk "friends".
3:Pretend you have a new, ever so very strict regime and joining/ giving several vices and make sure nobody sees you have change nothing, are you truly are your normally your ever self- just with added de nile- game. ( semantic fault on purpose).
AND FOUR: start dating losers who will never call you again after you slept with them because A): you're not their type; B) you did not have full blown sex since you thought it might be better to wait for date number three (nor to mentions you forgotten what sex was. i know Green And Blacks is rather orgasmic. And C): They thought you're OK but commitment wasn't what i was looking for in the first place since i am on an internet website. Surprising. And me too.
All of it fascinating.
But hey, i headlined this blog-post with my mother dying bit so i guess that we should roll the curtain and talk about the elephant (or blue whale in my case ) in the room.
You see i am a child of a single parent. So sad! Terrible! Where do i get my morals and ethics from, and ever more important, where do i get my man influence from?
Fret not. I didn't have a mother. I had three. As for father figure, i had my brother. As he is eleven years older i guess he qualifies. My older sister is two years older than my brother and thinks the Sun rises at her left side and sets down at her right. If this is not older sibling syndrome i know nothing about psychology ( flash news, i do). And there's the middle of nowhere. My younger sister. She is only 5 years older than me. But by God that's an eternity in terms of growing up. She was a teenager when i was a child. NOT good. Plus she thought she was posh. Bad, bad combination.
OK, to be fair as we are all over 38 we have come to understand each other pretty well. Is called stating your ground as it always been about who is more powerful. My oldest sister had that priviledge till the rest got tired of being flung about like a rag doll. Now is the war of the worlds in a sibling way.
My brother has been castrated due to self -guilt and alcohol abuse ( latest i heard he's teetotal. do i hear angels blowing), my younger sister has been through depression and being bitter about being zero to the left and thus feels she is crap and useless) which is of course bullshit), and my powerhouse of my older sister which is very intelligent yet stuck in the past (that would be the 70's) and ever so stuborn and has got an anger problem. Could be physical (thyroid) or mental (abused).
SO here's whas't next: we need to decide what kind of funeral my mother will have. Should it be small, or darling and massive? Should i have black suits (really? ) or feather boas? Desitions and so and fortth.
I love my family. I have been raised to think that way. To i tolerate them? Sure. Do i agree with them?
Hell no!!. a battle is to ensured, but i would not have it any other way. The fun thing about my immediate family is that they never cease to entertainment me, shock me and give a massive spice of life i would miss if i never had it.
Keep tune for more drama. AX
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